What if Jonathan Morgenstern had lived: a talk with Clary

If you read City of Heavenly Fire, you can probably still remember how you felt when Jonathan died. Angry, sad, disappointed, unfair he died before he got a chance to live. I felt it all. So did my brain. My mind started playing with the concept What If Jonathan Had Lived? That’s why I’ve decided to write this series of short scenes. They all take place after the ending of COHF (apart from the first one) and all include Jonathan Morgenstern. I do not own these characters and these events never happened, it’s all from my imagination. This first scene takes place at the wedding of Luke and Jocelyn. 

Clary was sitting on the river bank with her feet dangling in the water. She had escaped the crowd of Luke and her mother’s wedding, needing a moment for herself. She could still hear the faint music and laughter, while she watched the sun set. “Clary?” a soft voice behind her suddenly said. She turned around and saw Sebastian, no Jonathan standing there. She had to keep reminding herself that he was Jonathan now, not Sebastian. Her brother, she was still a little uneasy about that word, looked down at her with his intense green eyes. It fitted him, though. The first time he had opened his eyes and they weren’t black, but green, Clary had sucked in a gulp of air in surprise. “Clary?” his voice sounded uncertain now, pulling her back out of her thoughts. “Yeah?” She saw him breathe out, probably of relief. “Can I join you?” She nodded. “Sure.” He sat down next to her, leaving a considerable amount of distance between the two of them. “Escaping the crowd?” Clary asked him. “Yeah.” He rubbed his neck with his hand. “People are still not so fond of me. I can’t blame them though.” He shrugged but Clary could see in his eyes that it was bothering him. “They’ll come around.” His eyes flicked up to her. “Have you?” Good question, Clary thought and swallowed. “I’ve always wanted a brother.” She said. A smile touched Jonathan’s lips, revealing a row of white teeth. He was a beautiful boy, Clary thought to herself. A beautiful boy, with an awful past on his shoulders that weighed him down. His blond hair brushed against his forehead. He looked like Jace, in a way. And also a bit like her, she thought and though it shouldn’t come as a surprise, it did. When he was Sebastian, she never allowed herself to look at him as her brother. Only Valentine’s son. Jonathan glanced back at the party and Clary smiled softly. “They’ll accept you, sooner or later.” He bit his lip. “I’m still Sebastian to them, Clary.” In that single sentence was so much hurt, it made Clary’s heart ache. She felt for him. She felt for her brother. Clary took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Then prove them wrong.” She whispered. He stared at their hands. “How can I, when I don’t even know who I am?” Clary closed her eyes shut. Of course, it had always been Sebastian taking control. Jonathan had been caged inside him, trying to break free, but being unable to. It was like being woken up without any memory of your past. Clary shuddered. She couldn’t imagine not knowing who she was. She had her memory wiped for years, but only things she wasn’t supposed to see. Through it all, she had always remained herself. But Jonathan… He really didn’t know anything. Clary opened her eyes and saw Jonathan staring at the river. But she knew that look. It was looking without really seeing anything. But she did see something in him, in that moment. A lost, but honest boy, struggling with himself. And in that moment, she knew. This was her brother, and she owed it to him to help. “I’ll help you find yourself.” She said softly and Jonathan jerked his head towards her. “Are you offering to help me?” He looked confused and Clary’s heart stung. No one had ever helped him, he had always been alone. She nodded. “Yes, you’re my brother. Of course I’ll help you.” A watery smile broke out, lighting up his eyes. “Clary!” Jace’s voice suddenly rang from across the field. She waved at him and stood up, took her shoes in her hand and started walking towards him, but stopped halfway when she realized Jonathan wasn’t behind her. She turned around and he was looking at her. “You coming?” His eyes went wide and he stumbled on his feet, catching up with her in seconds. She laced her fingers through his. Her gaze flicked up to meet Jace, his grin had disappeared. When they reached him, she just looked at Jace and said: “He’s my brother.” Jace would understand. He of all people, would understand. And she was right. He slipped his arm around Clary’s waist and held out his other hand to Jonathan, his golden eyes fierce but soft at the same time. “Welcome to the family.” The smile on Jonathan’s face had never been brighter.

amy

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