One glance was all it took…
I’m a cheater.
I’m a liar.
My whole life is a mess.
I love a man.
No, I love two men…
One makes love to me. The other sets me on fire.
One is my rock. The other is my kryptonite.
I’m broken, lost, and disgusted with myself.
But I can’t stop. This is my story.
My broken love story.
Happy new year book lovers all around the world! I hope you had an amzing 2014 and will have an even better 2015!
It’s Manu here with my first review of the year! And I have to admit this is probably the hardest review I’ve written yet, I’m still not sure where I’m going with this, I’ll just try and explain what I’m feeling.
Falling in love with the wrong person is easy. Falling in love with the right person is easier. But falling in love with your soul mate is easiest.
Let me start by saying that this book RIPPED MY HEART OUT. No, really, I haven’t cried so much while reading in such a long time. I felt my heart clenching through most of it. I accidentaly found it on goodreads, read the summary, and thought “wow, this seems different, let’s give it a try!” and, boy, was it different! The summary doesn’t give it justice, honestly. I was expecting something else entirely.
I know I should be paying more attention because she’s explaining to me why I’m not woman enough, why I can’t keep a baby in my body long enough to be able to hold it in my arms, but all I want to do is shake off the cold blanket of numbness that enfolds me.
Meet Cathy, a woman married to a perfect, caring, trustworthy man, Ben. A man who worships the ground she walks on. But life likes to make it hard for everyone, so Cathy after three miscarriages loses her hope completely. All she feels is numbness. Ben is always understanding, optimistic; he’s hurting too, but he tries to be strong enough for the both of them. But how do you feel when life brings you so close to reaching your dream, only to snatch it out of your hands when you’re finally there? How do you feel when you’re the obstacle to the biggest dream of the person you love the most? Marriage isn’t easy, and something so important, as not being able to having babies, can destroy it. And Cathy feels the worst of it; Ben would do anything to make Cathy smile again, but nothing seems to be enough.
He enfolds me in an air robbing, soul crushing hug and buries his face in the curve of my neck. “Babe, please…don’t give up. It’ll be okay. I promise you, I’ll leave no stone unturned. There’s no place in the world where I won’t take you, there’s nothing I won’t do until we have a child to call our own. I promise you, Cathy.” Tightening his grip around me and pulling me closer to him, he roughly whispers, “For you I will do anything. Anything.”
After that, Cathy is not the same anymore, she can’t even stand to look at Ben because she can only think about those lost babies. Plus, Ben is perfect, and his perfection only makes it harder for her, because it makes Cathy feel more broken and unworthy. So, through the beginning of the book we see this couple, struggling to stay together; and to make it more heartbreaking, chapters alternate between the present and the past, showing us how Cathy and Ben met.
I didn’t fall in love. I walked smack into it and then fell flat on my ass.
Literally! Walking around campus on a rainy day, Cathy bumps into Ben and really falls flat on her ass. There’s immediatly chemistry between the two of them, and so you can read some of the cutest scenes you’ll ever read!
“I was halfway to class when I realized I hadn’t asked your name,” he says, watching me closely. I don’t know what to do or say, so I voice the first words my brilliant mind can come up with, “Um…” This guy is making my face burn like a bonfire. “Nope. You definitely don’t look like a Um. More like a Wow.” He smiles, making the same delicious dimple deep on his left cheek appear once more.
I ended up screaming into a pillow with a stupid grin on my face more than once. Ben is the man everyone wants to fall in love with; and as they start going out on dates and exploring their attraction, they fall in love. I could read about those two all my life, that’s how adorable they are! Seeing them together really made me believe they were soulmates. Then, we’re punched in the face with the reality of their marriage going to ruin (make sure to have tissues next to you).
Cruel reality has a way of always catching up to you, no matter how fast or how far you run; reality has a way to destroy one’s hopes and dreams. Reality doesn’t caress your cheek, letting you know what’s to come. No, reality slaps you across the face harshly, reminding you that a dream is just that… a dream.
Cathy is not a character you’ll love, I wanted to scream at her, to make her see what was right in front of her eyes, to shake some sense into her most of the time. But she’s definitely a great character; you know, when a character makes mistakes, does everything wrong, is the villain of her own story, but you sympathize with her. I never agreed with anything Cathy did, but I understood her anyway. I found myself wondering if it would have made a difference in her story if she had done things differently.
I loved the attention he paid to me and the way he made me feel. Alive. Happy. He made me forget. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, knowledge is misery. And the truth hurts.
Everything gets worse when Cathy meets Arsen, the young playboy who seems to bring Cathy back to life. He shows interest in Cathy, and even though she loves Ben, she feels drawn to him. Everything between them starts as friendly, but the pull they feel for each other is anything but friendly. When something happens to Cathy that completely ruins her, Arsen becomes her cure. He makes her forget. He’s there, making her feel beautiful, wanted, and whole again.
Sometimes not being in control, not being able to think, just losing yourself in the moment, is the greatest feeling in the world. It’s liberating. It’s addicting. It’s the most powerful high you’ll ever get. It’s a kind of freedom that tastes so sweet on your palate that you can’t help but want more each time you have it.
When Cathy is with Arsen, that’s what he does, he takes control and she can simply be herself, not a woman who can’t give herself and her loving husband a baby. When the affair between Cathy and Arsen started I wanted to throw my book out the window, I felt so angry with Cathy. No one deserves to be cheated on. If you love someone you should respect them enough to never do something like that, especially not to someone like Ben, who only loved Cathy through it all.
“I wish I could save you, Cathy. Take the pain away; erase it from your body. I wish I could hurt for you, but I can’t. You have to save yourself. All I can do is love you. Through it all, just love you. But you need to let me back in.”
Cathy should have talked with Ben from the beginning, but she didn’t. She should have seen someone to talk to, because she really needed help, in all honesty, but she didn’t. So she brings everyone down with her; she wants to be as ruined on the outside as she feels ruined on the inside, she wants everyone to hate her as much as she hates herself. Ben wasn’t what she needed in that moment, and even though I hated every moment she spent with Arsen beacuse I couldn’t stop thinking about Ben and hurting for him, I understood her. Don’t get me wrong, she has no excuses, and I’m so mad with her, but I can’t help seeing how Arsen helped her.
“Life without love, without chasing your dreams, is nothing. It means nothing. It’s a sad fucking empty shell, Catherine. It’s so easy to drown in darkness, to let it smother you, swallow you whole, to be blinded by it. But you gotta fight. You gotta fucking fight.”
Arsen may be younger, but he’s had a rough past too, so he understands Cathy more than she knows. And I fell a little bit more in love with him with every new thing I found out about him.
“I know what it’s like to lose what you love the most, but life goes on, and you must not lose hope, you know? Without hope, living can become a fucking nightmare.”
Making the book a lot more interesting, there are a few chapters from Ben and Arsen’s POV. They will make you cry. No doubt. It’s also the only way you’ll get to really know Arsen, I didn’t know how I felt about him till the very end of the book.
They say being in love and loving someone are two different things, right? I mean, you love your best friend, but you love your husband, right? Falling in love with someone is easy. It’s loving when the newness has worn off, when life gets tough, when things get in the way, when physical passion is gone, that true love remains. When love can conquer it all.
Will Cathy and Ben’s love conquer it all? Or is it too late for them? Is Arsen the one? Read the book and you’ll find out. I don’t know if you’ll love it as much as I did, but I think there’s no in between. I hope it’ll make you feel as overwhelmed as I feel right now, because I think there’s nothing better than a book that can make you feel so much!
Good luck, and let me know your thoughts if you do read it!